He's BAAAACK!

I am at a rock concert with my father. On-stage, a bland-looking man performs 'Kids in America' at extreme volume. I'm standing to his left, gazing out as though from the wings. There are other people behind me, including (I realise, as he breaks into a new song) my old University friend, Danny Jones. The song is slow and mournful, and after a few bars I realise what it is. Now My Heart Is Full by Morrissey. Danny and I sing along.

Now finding myself out front with the rest of the crowd, shortly afterwards Morrissey himself takes the stage. He seems shorter than usual, is dressed rather badly, and has a beer-gut; but it's still him, and after a couple of songs a cordon breaks and a large section of the audience surge forward. I hold back, disappointedly reflecting that had I only stayed where I was I would be perfectly placed to receive a handshake, or more, from the man himself. But in the next breath I find myself sat on stage with him, in the company of a small group of fellow superfans, closer than I have ever been before. Unusually, Moz is accompanying himself on the guitar as well as singing.

Amongst the superfans are a couple of girls I have my eye on. One of them reads my website and, as Morrissey sings, we talk a little about that. Some pretty poorly-constructed joints are passed around; a guy sat directly in front of Moz takes a hit, then exhales the smoke in the singer's face. Morrissey grimaces. 'Are you alright, Moz?' I ask, to little response. At the end of the song Morrissey launches into a speech which deterioates into a stoned ramble. I lean over to a girl on my right and say, 'I'm a little bit worried about Moz at the moment.' 'You should be,' she replies, laughing.

Finishing up the set, Morrissey comes over to me and begins razzing me about the girls I've been intending to seduce. 'He's always doing that, aren't you son?' he says, humourously (but rather maliciously) exposing me in front of the others. 'Yes dad,' I reply, smiling, playing along with the joke but duly chastened. The girls drift off; I didn't score.

On the way to the next act, descending a set of stairs to another auditorium, I hear some people behind me sarcastically proclaiming: 'Erris Taylor! Erris Taylor!', in a put-on oriental voice.

There's gonna be some trouble...